Watchtime episode 12: How to win friends & influence people | MintTwist
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Watchtime episode 12: How to win friends & influence people

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On this new episode, we will talk about Dale Carnegie’s best selling book How to win friends and influence people. Although this masterpiece was published 84 years ago, its tips are still of great help for marketers and salespeople. Some of these are:

  1. Do not criticise, condemn or complain. In the context of marketing and sales, you will encounter many people with who you won’t share your point of view. Thus, it depends on you how you look at the other person’s point of view, and how you agree with it.
  2. Be generous with praise. Everyone loves receiving compliments! So, why don’t you use your social media channels to spread some support around?
  3. Use names. Make sure that you know the name of the people you are sitting down within a sales meeting. 
  4. Be genuinely interested in other people’s stories. Another hard piece of advice here. Just show interest and listen to what someone is telling you or, at least, fake it until you make it.
  5. Acknowledge your own mistakes. Don’t make any excuses: step forward and admit your mistakes. 

Do you want to listen to the rest of Dale Carnegie’s best tips? Listen to our podcast now! 

*This episode was multi-streamed with ReStream.

Transcript

Intro (00:03):

The WATCHTIME show sponsored by digital agency MintTwist.

Elliott King (00:13):

Hello, and welcome to another episode of watch time. My name is Elliot King.

Aleksandra King (00:17):

And I’m Aleksandra King.

Elliott King (00:18):

And this show is brought to you by MintTwist the digital agency, and it’s streamed, ‘multi-streamed’, using the Restream software. So Aleksandra, what are we talking about today?

Aleksandra King (00:30):

We have such an interesting subject, how to win friends and influence people.

Elliott King (00:35):

Yeah. And for those of you who may not know, that is also the title of a very famous book written by one Dale Carnegie. It was written a very long time, almost a hundred years ago, but this man is famous as a public speaker and a training person to marketers and salespeople and business people alike.

Aleksandra King (00:56):

He was absolutely brilliant. And what he says is just so relevant. It gives me goosebumps, literally goosebumps, everywhere. We can all learn. We should all read this book if we haven’t already and definitely learn from it.

Elliott King (01:07):

Yeah. It’s got some great tips and we’re going to be stepping through them in this episode.

Aleksandra King (01:12):

I definitely don’t stick to a lot of these, so it’s good to recap actually.

Elliott King (01:16):

It really is. I mean, there’s sort of the sort of lessons that are going to stay consistent a hundred years ago, a hundred years from now. And there are lessons in life as well as some business on there, which makes them extra interesting.

Aleksandra King (01:28):

Right. Let’s get cracking. First one. This is probably the most difficult, literally for everyone, I think, “do not criticize condemn or complain” because in his words that’s reserved for falls. So harsh.

Elliott King (01:44):

Yeah. I mean, so what can we do then if we’re attempted to criticize and we don’t agree with something

Aleksandra King (01:52):

Well, you know, our parents have always told us and our parents, parents are their parents, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. But we can’t do that. Can we, it’s just so tempting to criticize. It really is. It’s horrible. It’s like a disease, criticism disease.

Elliott King (02:10):

It is. I mean, I think we’ve got to remember that this book and the advice here is written in the context of marketers, salespeople, and businesspeople. So, the objective is if we’re trying to convince someone to engage with us, obviously if we’re criticizing them, we’re going to introduce a negativity into the conversation. So, on one level, it’s quite obvious.

Aleksandra King (02:30):

Yeah. You wouldn’t criticize anyone in a sales meeting, but you probably would close the door afterwards and then go, well, that person was terrible, you know, you would, it’s just human nature. So, we have to like fight that urge, I suppose. That’s the hardest one of all, for me.

Elliott King (02:48):

Yeah. I think for me, um, it’s a hard one. If you disagree with someone on some sort of objective point, um, if you’re feeling like you want to disagree with them for the sake of it, you know, it probably means you’re in a bad place in that marketing or sales or communications conversation. And you need to either do one of two things, either change your mind and try and get on, on board with what’s being said to you, or kind of as opposed to directly criticize; you question what’s being said.

Aleksandra King (03:20):

Well, you know, there’s a very interesting thing in your personality, a little. Cause I think that you’re able, like if someone says something that you don’t like, you’re really able, to go with it and you almost give that person a sense of agreeing with them. Now I know you very well and I know what you’re not agreeing, but it does actually make the other person feel so much more comfortable and they can carry on talking about this subject without feeling like they’re going to be attacked. I cannot do that. I just can’t. I have to say exactly what’s on my mind, but you’ve definitely in that way, your way, that you’re really good.

Elliott King (03:56):

I think, look, you know, we’re giving each other compliments this week, which is great. And I think your, your, your directness and your ability to get to the point and be blunt very often is a significant advantage. I think my sort of aim to be “your British way”, Britishness, I suppose, is one way of describing it. You know, I think helps me out in sales conversations, but I’d have to say it comes from a genuine place. I do try and look at the other person’s point of view. And I think probably that’s the true lesson that underpins this piece of it.

Aleksandra King (04:30):

Right. Let’s move on to the next one. Be generous with praise.

Elliott King (04:34):

So, another interesting relevant one, isn’t it, it doesn’t always come naturally to people to overly praise people. But I think time off that study after study has definitely shown that if you can praise people, you just bring them on. So.

Aleksandra King (04:47):

I know, I mean, I don’t even know why he thought he had to put this one in the book because that’s just a natural thing that, I mean, I definitely do it. I definitely praise my kids. I praise people around me. I love compliments. I love receiving compliments. I love giving compliments. It’s just a natural thing that you would do. So, but obviously not everyone does it.

Elliott King (05:11):

Yeah. And I think the thing about praises, if you, if you turn it round, the other way, if you receive praise then becomes much easier for you to be open to objective criticism or advice.

Aleksandra King (05:23):

Yeah. We should compliment each other more. Yeah. You know, I must say actually social media is quite good for that. I’ve got, you know, some people that follow me that I’ve never met that give lovely compliments and we’re not talking about looks or you look good. It just genuine, supportive, lovely messages that Kelsey, you get the other side, but they’re all I suppose, strangers in some ways might be more comfortable complementing.

Elliott King (05:51):

I think, I think it’s a really interesting point you’re making, and actually I was thinking the other day, you know, random off topic, but I was thinking the other day that in general social media I think is a place where there’s more positivity that than it’s often given credit for.

Aleksandra King (06:05):

That’s true. “Good insight.” That is true. Right. To number three, remember their name

Elliott King (06:12):

Again? It’s obvious. But to those of you, those of us out there, and I’m definitely in this camp, the finest…

Aleksandra King (06:17):

Straight to the story, what, what did you do? Tell them the story.

Elliott King (06:22):

I walked into a sales meeting and the person on the other side, uh, remembered my name. Knew me very well. I knew their face. I knew a lot about this story. I knew a lot about their history, but for some reason the name had just completely gone from me. And so when was okay, I kind of blacked it for a while, but when it came time to introduce this person to someone who had just walked in another colleague of mine, then I, you know, it was so obvious that I’d forgotten their name and it kind of injected a negative element into the conversation.

Aleksandra King (06:53):

Yeah. People get really offended. Like they really, they’ll hate you.

Elliott King (06:59):

It’s your name? It’s personal to you and you want other people to remember it. We will want to be remembered.

Aleksandra King (07:04):

Do you know if I don’t remember someone’s name? I will do everything in my power to not let them know. Any trick, literally anything. I just cannot let them know. Cause I know that that is a no, no of no-nos.

Elliott King (07:19):

So top practical takeaways, make sure you know the names of the people that you’re going to see. “Yes”.

Aleksandra King (07:26):

Good follow on one. Be genuinely interested in other people.

Elliott King (07:32):

Yeah, this is… For those of us. Who’ve read the book and I’ve read it a couple of times. Now this is a really, really powerful one because if you can, sales is about forming relationships with the person on the other side and the best salespeople form, genuine relationships. And so, the best way to do that is by being genuinely interested in their story.

Aleksandra King (07:51):

I went to school with someone and some people watching it, went to my school are going to know exactly what I’m talking about. Sorry. If the person that we’re talking about is watching this, I’m not going to say your name. You probably do know it’s you, but this person, like whenever you spoke to them, they would always like, almost look over your shoulder to see if there’s someone a little bit more interesting to talk to than you and everyone, everyone recognize this in that person. And it’s just like, it’s just such a horrible thing for them.

Elliott King (08:22):

Yeah. And I think, you know what, this lesson in particular, but a lot of these lessons…

Aleksandra King (08:26):

But had won, but I don’t think he’s that interested in what other people think to be fair, to be fair.

Elliott King (08:33):

Look. Have you ever heard the phrase fake it till you make it? Maybe, maybe it’s an element of that. Maybe, maybe you need to pretend to be interested and you know, who knows, maybe you find some points.

Aleksandra King (08:45):

That’s horrible to pretend you’re interested. That’s a horrible thing to do. I don’t, I don’t know.

Elliott King (08:50):

Yeah. You got to, you got to experiment with these things, you know, hopefully you your own flaws and weaknesses as well as your strengths. And if you think that being genuinely interested in other people is not something that comes naturally, you know, experiment.

Aleksandra King (09:04):

Yeah. It’s something else I can’t do. If I’m genuinely not interested in someone, then they’re going to know.

Elliott King (09:13):

Harsh, harsh.

Aleksandra King (09:15):

Sorry. No, but I’d rather be genuine about it. But right now the value of charm, you’re probably better at that whole area than me.

Elliott King (09:23):

Yeah, like a lot of these things are interconnecting, aren’t they? And I think, you know, char charm being overtly, you know, charming is probably not a great thing, but being genuinely interested, you know, remembering people’s name, these things can be, can be perceived as trauma.

Aleksandra King (09:40):

Your friends once said to you, when you were at a function, you said charming.

Elliott King (09:45):

He did. He did. And I like to think that yeah, a lot of these things that genuine traits in my personality and, you know, look, it sounds like we’re picking up Eliott King in today’s episode.

Aleksandra King (09:57):

No, but you know, they know use, use charm, use it in the right way, in a genuine way. Compliment charm people. Good. Why wouldn’t you do that? Yeah. So right. Speak quick to acknowledge your own mistakes.

Elliott King (10:11):

Look, I think this is a really, really, really important one. If we think about the world of customer services, which has more comms people, we certainly have to consider then if we or our organization makes a mistake, it’s no good trying to make excuses for it, but we’ve just got to, you’ve just got to admit it. I think. Yeah. What do you think?

Aleksandra King (10:32):

Horrible. If you can’t admit, if you’ve done something wrong, you can’t admit it. It’s just this horrible draining thing.

Elliott King (10:39):

One of the first rules for customer services people when a customer is making a complaint is, as the customer service or as the points that they’ve chosen to sort of make that complaint. Then we, as professionals, need to get on the side of the customer. If we don’t understand the nature of the complaint, first of all, we’ve got to make sure we do understand it and empathize with it.

Aleksandra King (10:59):

Yes. And you cannot go through life expecting to never make a mistake. You will 100% mess up. It’s how you mess up what you do afterwards.

Elliott King (11:10):

I think mistakes are normal. They are parts of everyday life as individuals and as organizations, mistakes are going to be made. But if we can rectify them, then therein lies an opportunity to improve that relationship.

Aleksandra King (11:24):

One of my favourites, next number seven, don’t attempt to win an argument.

Elliott King (11:33):

This one, I had to read this chapter a few times to really get my head around it. But what Dale Carnegie was saying here is that it’s impossible to get someone to change or even move their position by arguing with them. Because even if you think you win the argument, actually you haven’t, they just not time you.

Aleksandra King (11:55):

Yeah. Even if you dismantle it arguments with wonderful objective facts, they… it just can backfire. Even if you’re just so effective at arguing, it can backfire. And I find this one hard because if there is an argument to be had, I love presenting all the facts of exactly, you know? And, actually this is so accurate because when I’ve done that, I’ve never had a great outcome.

Elliott King (12:20):

This one is relevant for personal lines as well. I mean, we’re, you know, we’re married, we’re husband and wife team here. And I think it’s the same in your personal life. If you’re having an argument, it’s not a good place to be anyway, but don’t think that you’re going to change the person’s mind by shouting out. And you can never argue with me, particularly with the character life. Like the person sits next to me. If we’re in an argument and I want to win the argument, I know the best way to do it is by is to disengage. It’s just frustration. “You just have to give up” but then I come along a day later and then you a bit more receptive to what I’m trying to say.

Aleksandra King (12:59):

That’s it. Right, next one, begin on common ground.

Elliott King (13:04):

Yeah. This is a really good one, because if you can find common ground with someone and this is probably relevant for negotiation. So if you know, you’ve got to service your product and someone’s interested in it, but they don’t want to pay the price or, you know, they don’t want to give you what you’re asking for in return then you start with the common ground, you reaffirm that common ground, and then you look for creative ways to go.

Aleksandra King (13:27):

Right. Imagine in, in this presidential elections, American presidential election, that’s going on is sort of the massive argument that they’ve been having. And it’s like a disaster acting like little children in a playground. You know, not our children because they weren’t hit, but someone else’s naughty kids, you’ve got Biden and Trump, but attacking each other. How good would one of them look as a potential president candidate? If they said “right, we both love our country. We both want the best for our country.” We… you know, and then put the message forward. It would completely change the dynamic of the room, but they’re not doing it.

Elliott King (14:04):

It’s really interesting Isn’t it? In the world of politics. All of politics. Most of the politics, certainly in the UK and US is, is quite adversarial. Um, one side or the other there’s no obvious in between particularly these days, but the lesson itself, you know, I think we’re agreed. If you can find common ground, then it’s a good place to be.

Aleksandra King (14:32):

Right. Have others believe your conclusion is their own.

Elliott King (14:37):

Hmm. Cool.

Aleksandra King (14:39):

Sounds quite manipulative. This one.

Elliott King (14:43):

Manipulative. But again, I think if you approach this one in a genuine way, what this was really saying, what this chapter was focusing on is if you move someone’s opinion by asking them the right questions. And what’s meant by that is that if you ask a question where the obvious answer, implies some movement towards your suggestion, then you will help the person with whom you’re negotiating to move to your position of their own accord, as opposed to you just giving them the answer “plant seeds.” Yeah.

Aleksandra King (15:19):

Right. Last one, make people feel important. Bit of overlap with this one, but…

Elliott King (15:23):

yeah, there’s a kind of a running theme through the book that says, “people want lots of things out of life.” They want yeah. Um, you know, the hierarchy of needs, um, you know, food and shelter, you know, um, you know, wealth – money, but actually right at the top is this thing about recognition. Yeah. Human beings, desire recognition. And I think this is touching on that point, which is, it’s just an interesting one.

Aleksandra King (15:57):

You need to make an effort to know others’ interests to show them that they’re important. If that’s important for you. I mean, it’s horrible to go to a function and meet with people. And then all they talk about is themselves. And they literally don’t ask you a single question about you. It’s just like, it’s just bad, bad social skills. Don’t do it. Don’t just talk about yourself.

Elliott King (16:20):

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, early on in my career, I went to lots of networking events, not really possible, uh, you know, in person networking events, there’s fewer of them these days, but I’m sure we’ve all been to a networking event where we’ve spoken to someone and all I’ve done is, is just talked on and on and on about themselves and not ask us any questions. It’s not particularly good way to build rapport. “Yeah.”

Aleksandra King (16:42):

I mean, 75% listening, 25% talking, although sometimes you might find a very shy person and then you can sort of help them along and nudge them a little bit. And if they don’t want to talk, you can’t be like probing them to the point where they’re uncomfortable. So obviously it’s a fine balance. However, it’s just good to just balance the communication and, and be interested in other people. It’s not all about us. You know, let’s learn from others.

Elliott King (17:05):

And this, this thing for me plays into the whole, um, social media space and people, you know, put out some content and they crave those likes and they praise that engagement and they crave those comments. Don’t forget to like, and comment here, but it all seriously. Yeah.

Aleksandra King (17:20):

But you also shouldn’t be like craving it. I mean, this is another discussion, but yeah, you shouldn’t.

Elliott King (17:25):

Is another discussion, but do you think it’s why in social media that people, you know, look and feel good if they’ve, if they’re getting that recognition, you know, from their network.

Aleksandra King (17:39):

This is the thing you can feel good and you can enjoy it, but it should be like a neutral. So, if someone gives you a compliment, thank you. That feels great. Good. If someone gives you a little bit of hate. Okay, cool. But you still go back to that point of balance and you don’t need social media for any form of justification whatsoever. That’s the point.

Elliott King (18:00):

Yeah. I think, I think that’s a really good sort of point that, you know, we’ve got to be comfortable in our own skin and if we couldn’t follow these rules, ideally in a genuine way, we’re more likely to create more effective relationships with the people that we’re trying to convince.

Aleksandra King (18:18):

Right. Well, I think that concludes today’s episode.

Elliott King (18:21):

That does indeed. So, thank you very much for watching. We’ll look forward to seeing you again next week. See you next time. Bye.

Aleksandra King (18:29):

Thank you for listening to the watch time podcast brought to you by digital agency MintTwist.

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